Vartika Kashyap
Jun 7, 2018 · 4 min read
Let’s talk about something we all face but refuse to talk about — rejection. Whether you’ve been passed over for a promotion or not given the ‘desired role’ in an upcoming project, rejections are part and parcel of one’s professional life.
They aren’t always big and loud but they can also occur in a variety of small work-related situations as well. Here are some common rejections (in no particular order) that one goes through every day at work:
- Being passed over for a promotion
- Not getting a plum assignment
- Losing out on sales to a competitor
- Getting a meager salary hike than expected
- Seniors or team leaders choosing someone else over you
I know that it can be d ownright painful to be rejected but one must learn to deal with rejections gracefully without letting them affect your self-confidence. So, here are my thoughts on how one can handle rejections at work:
Run your projects on the right track with ProofHub.
- Manage your emotions
Rejection, in any form or way, can cause an emotional upheaval. Most of us either react straightaway or start bottling up emotions inside us. When you manage your emotions in the right way, you can experience a shift in your perspective and personality.
When you’re not chosen for something, getting into a heated argument might seem right at the moment but it can do more bad than good. Your co-workers and seniors will perceive such behavior as unprofessional and label you as incompetent. It might give them an impression that you can’t cope up with high pressure and tough conversations and they might stop giving constructive feedback to you. This would definitely affect your performance, future growth, prospects, and career opportunities within your company.
You must learn to manage your emotions to take rejections in your stride. Accept what you’re feeling at that particular moment and don’t react immediately. Take a few deep breaths, have some water, calm yourself down, and give yourself a pep talk to suppress the internal negativity.
2. Pause and assess
Every rejection is like an opportunity to take a step back and reflect on your strengths and weaknesses. You get a chance to see if you could have handled the situation differently or maybe with a better approach. It teaches you if there are any lessons to be learned (or unlearned) to help you manage things in a better way.
Most of the times, rejections are unintentional and impartial. Maybe the other person was more skilled and experienced than you are or he had a few certifications that you did not. Perhaps he had better professional relationships or years of loyalty and commitment to the company.
Take a moment to pause and asses if your actions or behavior have led to the rejection in any way. It is possible that the person who rejected you had a completely different perspective on it or maybe you could have done something unintentionally that led to this outcome. Don’t let emotions cloud your judgment and be absolutely honest while contemplating the issue.
3. Seek feedback or constructive criticism
Seeking feedback is perhaps the best and the most appropriate way to figure out why you were rejected. Rather than being a Sherlock Holmes and weaving stories in your head, discuss what happened with your boss, HR, or team lead. Getting to know the other side of the story will help you get an eagle’s eye view and a better perspective on it.
Seek feedback on why you didn’t get the promotion or why someone else is being chosen to helm a new project every now and then. Be open to receiving feedback and if there’s criticism, take it constructively. Don’t blame, defend, or argue as it will defeat the whole purpose of it.
It will help you better understand the reason for your rejection. Having an explanation will make it feel little less personal and more tolerable, thus enabling you to cope with the rejection in a professional way. Take positive action to develop or change the areas about which you received feedback .
It’s okay to be rejected…
Rejections can have a profound effect on shaping you as a person. I know how painful the whole process can be but there’s always a way to handle things at work — a good way and a bad way. The bad way would be to let it affect your self-esteem and feeling sorry for yourself. The good one would be to learn your lesson, seek out feedback, and try harder the next time.
Do tell us about your rejection stories and how you handled them at work in the comments below. So, if you got rejected the next time, you know what to do. Right?
Vartika Kashyap is the Marketing Manager at ProofHub and has been one of the LinkedIn Top Voices in 2017. Her articles are inspired by office situations and work-related events. She likes to write about productivity, team building, work culture, leadership, entrepreneurship among others and contributing to a better workplace is what makes her click.
Interviewing for a job or seeking advancement at work is stressful and nerve-racking. The pressure is now intensified as there’s a prolonged Covid-19 pandemic with no immediate end in sight. Over 60 million Americans have filed for unemployment, millions more are underemployed or have finished collecting benefits and have fallen off of the government’s official data coverage. So, now you’re faced with intense competition.
During the job search, you’ll be met with rejection and it’s even worse now. As companies are concerned over what will happen in the future, it’s hard to get noticed at the office, especially as everyone’s fighting to hold onto their jobs or get a better one.
It’s especially hard to handle rejection when you’re worried about your financial situation, how you’ll pay the bills, rent or mortgage. After submitting dozens of résumés and completing lengthy, annoying and glitchy applications every day without hearing back, it’s nearly impossible to stay positive. When you think you did exceptionally well in an interview and haven’t heard back after several weeks, it’s devastating. If you’re stuck in the same role at work and no one is giving you a chance, it’s hard to keep making it through the day.
Here are some ways to cope and rebound from rejection.
1) It’s not just happening to you.
Take a small measure of comfort in knowing that everyone is going through the same thing. We’ll all be in this together. Yes, there will be some people who look like they’re getting all of the breaks, but those are the rare exceptions. Take comfort in knowing that everyone else is experiencing similar feelings of fear, stress and bouts of depression. Everyone at one point in their career gets rejected for a coveted role, loses out to an office rival for a lucrative promotion or gets ghosted after a great series of interviews.
2) Maybe it’s not meant to be.
Once in a while, you catch a break and you’re in the right place at the right time. Most often, you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time. Not getting selected to move on in the interview process nor getting a raise or big bonus may have nothing to do with you. It could be due to a host of other factors. The job may have been placed on hold or the company went in a different direction. There could have been an internal candidate that received the job offer. The senior vice president’s nephew got the promotion.
Jack Ma, Chinese Multibillionaire And Founder Of Tech Giant Alibaba, Went Missing After Criticizing China’s Government
What The New Coronavirus Relief Bill Does For Unemployment Insurance
How To Handle Pressure: 3 Lessons From Trump’s Call With Raffensperger
3) Consider your approach.
If you keep striking out, it may be time to do some self-analysis. Are you applying for jobs outside of your core competencies? What does your social media footprint say about you? How’s your tone in the interview or at the office?
When you’ve been beaten down, it’s easy to start feeling bitter, resentful and angry. These unattractive traits could come out and alienate people. If a manager senses that you’re unhappy and blame others for everything that’s happened in the past, they won’t be interested in extending an offer or giving you more responsibilities. In this job market, they’ll believe that there are many other smart, capable and level-headed people with positive attitudes available.
4) Make adjustments.
If you keep striking out, share your presentation style with trusted friends and mentors. Ask them for their honest evaluation, constructive criticism and feedback. Really listen to what they have to say and enact the necessary alterations to your approach.
You should also take a step back and assess other elements too. Review your résumé, LinkedIn profile, networking strategy and social media postings. People look at these things and make snap judgements. Ensure that you are presenting yourself in the best light.
Practice your elevator pitch until you feel it’s perfected. Think of all the questions that could be asked of you and rehearse your answers.
5) Manage your expectations.
Pre-pandemic, your goal may have been to find a job within one to three months. You also wanted to receive a certain title and compensation. In a strong job market, that’s fairly reasonable. Today, you need to adjust your definition of success. Getting a new job is very hard and could take a long time.
Focus on the victories along the way and celebrate them. Feel good when you hear from a company. Pat yourself on the back when you get an interview. Get excited about a second round. Keep in mind that the odds are stacked against you. So, if the offer does not materialize, it won’t crush you.
6) Keep a running list of your good qualities.
Rejection can sap your self-confidence and question your abilities. You may start ruminating on all of the bad breaks that hurt you in the past. Left unchecked, you can slide down a slippery slope of self-doubt and second-guess any decision you make.
Replace the negative feedback loop with a recitation of all of your stellar qualities and crowning achievements. When a negative thought pops up, immediately replace it with a memory of a time in which you prevailed over adversity. Mentally repeat back all of your accomplishments—both big and small. It will serve as a reminder that you’ve succeeded in the past and can prevail against all odds in the future.
7) Positive mantras help.
Self-talk yourself into a success-oriented mindset. Have a list of positive affirmations and play them on loop to fight back against the obstacles and hurdles in your path.
“This is merely a minor setback; I will find a new job!”
“Just because I was rejected for the job does not diminish my self-worth and value.”
“I am smart, talented and have a lot to offer.”
“I won’t give up and will make it through this tough time!”
8) Stay strong and tough.
You need this to power through the daily challenges. A helpful tip is to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
Don’t wallow in self-pity or engage in destructive behaviors, such as binge drinking, eating to excess, watching too much television, taking drugs or isolating yourself from others. Hit the pause button and stop obsessing over your situation. Find some hobbies to distract you. Engage in activities that you excel at, so it provides a confidence boost. Take a walk in the park to clear your head, set a workout routine, listen to thoughtful and encouraging podcasts and read books or stories of uber-successful people that triumphed over failure and rejection to put you in a better mood.
It’s not easy to cope with rejection. This will be a constant battle. By focusing on staying strong, reminding yourself of all of your great qualities, reevaluating your approach, adopting positive mantras, taking a break and adjusting your definition of success, it will help you combat and overcome the feelings associated with rejection.
Successful people don’t learn to avoid rejection, but to deal with it, learn from it, and even turn it into a new opportunity. We talked to some of our favorite successful people—past guests from Lifehacker’s How I Work column—about how they deal with rejection on the job.
Anjali Bhimani , actress:
Ahahaha, as an actress, the question is more “W hat ISN’T a kind of rejection you face at your job?” because rejection probably comes up in one form or or another on a daily basis, and it’s often not very kindly conveyed.
For me personally, one of the best ways to handle it (even though it doesn’t completely take away the disappointment if it’s a job I really wanted) is to make sure that I am not adding to the rejection by rejecting myself. It’s very easy, especially as an artist, to take it personally when they don’t want you for a role and it’s vital for me to always remember to be kind to myself and not internalize the feedback if it’s not useful criticism. Especially when it’s just plain wrong (for example, when a casting director said I wasn’t hired because of my “Indian intonation” when I was speaking with my born-and-raised American voice). Just because someone else thinks I’m too this or that or not enough this or that doesn’t mean it’s a categorical truth, and more often than not I know there are other considerations/forces at play that I know nothing about.
Sometimes a rejection for one job just means the people in the room liked me but couldn’t use me here, and they end up bringing me back for something else. So the most important thing for me to be able to push past each one is to be my own champion on the inside and be kind to myself and compassionate to the people who are also trying so hard to do their job by casting who they think is right for the role, so that what comes at me from the outside doesn’t get into my head. The feedback isn’t so much about me as a human being as me as a particular product that may or may not be appropriate for the buyer at this time. It still hurts sometimes, but not nearly as much as it did early on in my career when I would think it was a referendum on my talent, my career, or my entire being.
Ben Ho , behavioral economist:
As academics so much of your career depends on getting papers accepted at top journals and what you don’t see on someone’s C.V. (academic résumé) is all the rejection letters they got along the way. Getting tenure really just requires getting acceptance letters from 5 or 6 of the right journals in 6 years. The top journals have acceptance rates in the single digits. It’s normal to get dozens of rejections along the way.
A very typical response to rejection is to hide from it. That’s the #1 mistake that junior faculty make. We always have so much else to do with other projects and teaching that it’s easy just to leave that rejection email unopened, or leave the printout buried under a pile of stuff on your desk. The best advice I try to give to junior faculty is to fix what you can from the feedback in the letters and resubmit it to another journal it as soon as possible. It’s very easy to let these things slide for 6 months or a year. That is a mistake.
That doesn’t make the pain go away. For that, I remind myself about the social science research that most success in life is driven by luck (see work by two of my former colleagues: Bob Frank’s recent book on luck , as well as Tom Gillovich’s excellent recent paper on tailwinds and headwinds). It’s easy to see a rejection as an attack on your self worth. I try not to. Most importantly, I remind myself that my kids will never know or care what’s on my C.V. and they are what’s most important anyway.
Oh and Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off.”
Morra Aarons-Mele , author and business consultant:
I own a professional services business and sell for a living, so I get rejected about once a week: when a potential client decides not to hire my firm, chooses another firm, or (and this is the worst) decides not to extend a contract.
I have been doing this work for over 20 years, with many wins along the way, but every time a potential client chooses someone else, I take it personally. Worse, though, is that I might assume that one rejection signals very bad news for my business. I catastrophiz e and blow things way out of proportion.
So I practice visualizing abundance, not scarcity, and it really helps me keep things in proportion.
I tell myself: “There’s always more pie.” Scarcity is fighting over one tiny sliver of pie—because that’s all you feel you deserve. Lose that one piece, and no pie for you!
People who come from abundance don’t let a “no” disturb the solid inner core of who they are. There’s always more pie! They encounter a “no,” and assume a “yes” is just around the corner.
So the next time a “no” sends you questioning the viability of your entire financial future or existence, brush it off. Instead of dwelling on the no, force yourself to be generous and expansive. See a beautiful, freshly baked pie in your mind and tell yourself, “That’s okay. There’s plenty more.”
Jamia Wilson , Feminist Press director:
I deal with rejection often as a non-profit executive director in a competitive fundraising landscape, as a writer who pitches my work to magazines, agents, and editors, and as a publisher who seeks to sign authors who are often weighing options with other presses.
Although it may sound like a platitude when you’re in the midst of repairing your ego in the face of a letdown, rejection can be a form of protection from something that isn’t in alignment with your purpose or journey during a specific moment in time. Rejection helps me clarify where to spend my time and energy. It allows me to focus on opportunities and relationships that prioritize my values and strengths.
Sam Reich , CCO, CollegeHumor:
At CollegeHumor, about 50% of sketches end up greenlit — and we feel bad to have to turn down the other 50%. Sometimes the reason is as simple as “too R-rated,” while other times, various other factors come into play. With that in mind, we’ve started a segment on our new CollegeHumor podcast where we read aloud those rejected sketches. What we didn’t anticipate was that it would give sketches a second life. This past week, reading through Rekha Shankar’s “Secret Meat” sketch, we all unanimously decided it should go straight into production.
Say ‘thank you, next!’ to that setback.
It’s called the sting of rejection because that’s exactly what it feels like: You reach out to pluck a promising “bloom” (such as a new love interest, job opportunity, or friendship) only to receive a surprising and upsetting brush-off that feels like an attack. It’s enough to make you never want to put yourself out there ever again. And yet you must, or you’ll never find the people and opportunities that do want everything you have to offer.
So what’s the best way to deal with rejection, and quash the fear of being rejected again? Here are some psychologist-approved tips on moving onward and upward.
Know that rejection is pain, according to science.
If a recent rebuff feels like a wound, that’s because your brain thinks it is one.
A University of Michigan study of Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI) scans found that rejection actually activates the same parts of our brain as physical pain does. This suggests an evolutionary advantage to experiencing rejection as pain, according to Guy Winch, psychologist and author of Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts.
“This phenomenon is a legacy of our hunter-gatherer past, when we lived in nomadic tribes,” Winch says. Back when a person couldn’t survive alone without their tribe, “rejection served as an early warning system that alerted us we were in danger of being ostracized—of being ‘voted off the island’.”
“Those who experienced rejection as more painful paid more attention to correcting their behavior than those who didn’t,” Winch continues. Thus, they were able to stay in the fold and protect their lives (and those of their future progeny). “Over many generations, experiencing rejection as painful had a survival advantage, and our brains became wired with this default response.”
Allow yourself time to process your hurt feelings.
You’ve had your hopes dashed. Maybe you’ve learned your crush wasn’t mutual, or your friend has stopped accepting your calls. This can evoke a complicated knot of feelings, and identifying each one can kick off the recovery process.
“Accept the fact that you’re a human being with emotions and allow time to feel what you’re feeling,” says Dr. Pam Garcy, psychologist and certified life coach. “There’s an expression that ‘the easiest way out is through.’ Sometimes allowing yourself to have your feelings leads them to slowly reduce in intensity.”
Heal your bruised ego by listing what makes you great.
“The most important thing we need to do to heal the emotional wound rejection creates is to revive our self-esteem by focusing on what we do bring to the table, whether the rejection was by a romantic partner, a prospective employer, or a neighbor,” Winch says.
Making a list of positive qualities you know you already possess can curb negative self-talk after the ego blow, and help you to bounce back sooner.
Winch uses the example of a job rejection: “We might list our strong work ethic, responsibility, reliability, our steep learning curve, etc.” Next, choose one of these qualities and write a paragraph or two about the times previous employers saw the value in it, and why another will again in the future.
“By writing, we remind ourselves on a deep level that we are, and can be, a valuable employee,” Winch says. “Doing this exercise is a way of self-affirming our worth.”
Examine your own role in why you got rejected.
Some rejections truly aren’t as personal as they feel. Love rejection on Tinder, for example, simply means that some stranger took all of 20 seconds to make a snap judgment based on criteria you’ll never be privy to. But if, say, you used to be a member of the office happy hour crew and your after-work drink invites have suddenly vanished, it may be time to review your possible role in why that came to be.
Think back to the last time you spent with the party in question (you know, the rejecter) , whether it was on a date or in a job interview. Winch suggests a mental replay of what, to your best recollection, you said or did, and how they reacted. Is there anything you could’ve done differently to improve the encounter, or can you at least prevent it from happening again in the future?
“This isn’t to say the other person had no responsibility,” Winch says, “but the value in that examination is to learn what we might need to be mindful of what we hadn’t paid sufficient attention to previously.”
Don’t beat yourself up about the role you played in your rejection, though.
Self-examination is not the same thing as self-criticism, which will only make you feel worse.
How To Manage and Cope With Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?
While there is nothing that therapy can’t fix, there exists one such mental health condition which is yet to be resolved through therapy. That is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. While rejection in itself is painful, people with ADHD, ADD or autism find it even more difficult to deal with the emotions associated with it. Plus, with no therapy based treatment available until now, it might seem a daunting task to deal with these emotions.
So, does that mean there is no way to cope with the signs and symptoms of rejection-sensitive dysphoria?
No. That’s not true. You can cope with rejection-sensitive dysphoria by adapting healthy coping styles. But it is important that we first understand the unhealthy coping styles, create acceptance and awareness, and then turn them into a healthy one.
The Common Unhealthy Coping Styles Practiced in Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
It has been seen that people who experience RSD generally cope with it by responding in either of the two ways (which are not healthy).
The Unhealthy Coping Styles
Trying to please others. They become too busy identifying what other person admires the most and ensuring that they are always pleased with them that they forget what they truly want from their lives.
Stop trying at all. The risk of failing in front of someone ends in giving up on almost every aspect of life. Mostly, the anxiety-provoking activities are avoided at all costs, and little or no efforts are made to accomplish them.
Coping with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria: Learn to Manage it Healthily
For you to deal with rejection-sensitive dysphoria these temporary and unhealthy coping strategies have to be changed with healthier ones. This can be done at three levels.
There are three levels at which you can cope with RSD. At the first level, you learn to cope with rejection-sensitive dysphoria before it happens. At the second level, we will discuss ways to delay our reaction after the incident has taken place. Finally, at the third level, we will see what can be done after the event has occurred and it has ended.
First Level Coping With Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
Here the focus will be on creating a protective shield that will help us deal with rejection sensitivity dysphoria before it gets triggered. This includes:
- Have fidget toys in your daily activities. He helps you burn off that extra nervous energy.
- Pen down your counter-arguments. Before the mean-spirited voice in your head starts up with an argument it is advised that you write down in a journal or on a piece of paper a list of counter-arguments to raise against it. You can make a list of the following aspects of your life:
A list of your closed ones (on whom you can always count on).
A list of what is lovable in you according to your loved ones.
A list of your small victories and achievements (even the trivial ones).
1. Create a script beforehand that you can use in the situation when you won’t be able to voice your emotions. It will help you communicate how you are feeling when you are too anxious to say it out.
2. Leave the situation but not abruptly. Create a script or agree on a signal that will demonstrate that you wish to leave the situation. This can be accomplished through:
Agreeing on a hand gesture as a signal.
Using a codeword.
Using a short script.
Second Level Coping With Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
When the emotional hurt starts to boil within you here is what can be done to make sure that it doesn’t erupt out dysfunctionally here is what can be done.
- Just leave the situation by using the sign that has been agreed upon. After leaving the situation involves things that calm you down and focus on your breath to gather yourself.
- If you can’t leave the situation just try to distract yourself from the negative emotions.
- Convert your emotional energy to the physical one. You can effectively turn your feelings of hurt and anger into movement.
Make use of fidget toys,
Go out for a run or walk.
- Instead of talking to the person in the given situation choose to text a close one (who understands you well) or just write your thoughts on a piece of paper. This will work as a cool-down activity and will help you convey your thoughts better.
Third Level Coping With Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
After the RSD-provoking trigger is out of the way it is time to focus on learning the right ways to regulate your emotions. This will help you validate your emotions and deal with similar situations with much efficacy.
- Start by being gentle with yourself. Remind yourself that your emotions are valid although they might have been a little too intense for the situation. This way you won’t completely nullify your emotions.
- Instead of making a big pile of your emotions and stew over them, involve yourself in questioning yourself. It will free up your suppressed emotions. Some of the questions that you can ask yourself are:
Do I want to feel this way?
Am I really upset over what has happened?
Does criticism truly define me?
- Constantly remind yourself that this situation won’t last forever. It is not a state, it is a moment that will pass by.
- Remember the counter-arguments we discussed in the first level of coping with RSD? It is the right time to put it to use here. Shut the demeaning inner voice by putting forward the counter-arguments.
- Spend quality self-reflection time with yourself. For this, you have to find a quiet and comfortable place first and then sit down with your journal (or pencil and paper). Then you are all set to reflect on your emotions and the triggering situation. All you have to do is ask questions that you find important. Here are some prompts for you to use:
How does this feeling of rejection make you feel?
How do you wish for it to be changed or solved?
What was the point or incident that made me feel this way today?
What could have been tweaked a little in the above situation to make it different and better for you?
This way you will be able to identify the triggers, emotions underlying it, and learn better tools to handle the situation next time.
- You can also pretend to be your friend. Not only is this a great way to cope with RSD with compassion but also ensures that you look at the whole situation without any biases.
Now go try these healthy coping styles for rejection sensitive dysphoria for yourself or share it with someone who you know is struggling with the same.
Remember: You are capable of amazing things in your life. Just believe in yourself and work on these coping styles you will get through it.
Imagine your confidence is flying high at work except for one minor detail: one of your colleagues keeps repeatedly ignoring your ideas during meetings. You figure it’s fine, no big deal. Until they start excluding you from other projects as well.
Suddenly, no matter how hard you work on making a positive impact, you find yourself rehashing each day’s new rebuff — wondering what you’re doing wrong or how to make it better.
A mindful antidote.
Feeling slighted is a normal emotional reaction, but lingering on the day’s events can easily become distressing and overshadow your other efforts at work.
“Social rejection can have a number of negative outcomes both for the rejected person’s own health and well-being, as well as their interpersonal relationships,” said Alexandra Martelli, the lead author of a recent study on social rejection published in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience.
That’s because nothing threatens your sense of belonging the same way as being ignored.
Much like a domino effect, feeling aggravated by a colleague’s behavior can cause you to lash out at others or take your frustration out in some other unproductive way. But as Martelli and her fellow co-authors found in their research, a regular practice of mindfulness can act as an antidote to coping with the sting of rejection.
According to their findings, mindful people are better able to regulate their emotional responses. In other words, learning the right techniques can help you buffer these uncomfortable interactions. Here are three ways you can mindfully navigate rejection to regain your calm more quickly:
1. Let your emotions drift like clouds.
After feeling rejected, it’s likely you’ll try to control your irritation or try to find the silver lining. “I’m better than them anyway,” you might tell yourself. But putting all your effort into trying to see the upside only works to further suppress your emotions.
Rather than focus on trying to control your negative reactions (which can be emotionally taxing), allow yourself to recognize the way you are feeling and then act like a third-party observer. Be aware of your thoughts and sensations but don’t try to grasp onto them.
When you can do this, you’ll be able to notice your discomfort without judgment and move on faster.
2. Pay attention to your body’s response.
Is your heart racing? Are you short of breath? Making mindfulness a daily practice involves paying attention not only to your thoughts but to how the rest of your body responds to stress.
Learning breathing techniques and regularly applying them throughout your workday can eventually help you better cope with rejection when it happens. If you know you’ll be heading into a big meeting where you might anticipate these frustrating interactions, try this 2-minute breathing exercise beforehand to keep you from feeling triggered in the moment:
Inhale, count to five
Hold breath after inhaling, count to two
Exhale, count to seven
3. Change the story you’re telling yourself.
Remember that just like in any anecdote, the way you frame the story is how you’ll react to it. It’s easy to get stuck in the “why me” question, but if you keep painting yourself as helpless victim and the other person as villain, chances are, you won’t be able to look at things objectively.
Instead, change the script.
Your colleague’s rejection can be due to any manner of reasons that you’ll likely never know about. Maybe they’re frustrated that their own ideas aren’t getting acknowledged after months of putting in extra hours. While their snub may have seemed consequential to you in the moment, it’s likely they haven’t given it a second thought.
By allowing people to have their off days and acknowledging that we’re all human, you can focus on the present moment without reading into their intentions.
4. Pause and reflect.
Workplace rejection is an inevitable part of any career trajectory and will be outright painful at times, but the way you respond to these slights is what defines you.
Pause and take it as an opportunity to learn more about how you approach others and a way for learning to manage your own expectations. Ultimately, mindfulness teaches us that not only is it okay to be rejected, but that you should embrace the unpredictable nature of life and use it to propel you forward.
R ejection hurts. And it hurts regardless of who is rejecting you or how you’re getting rejected.
Research confirms it, finding that when people get rejected, they often feel jealous, lonely and anxious.
What’s more, we tend to incorrectly interpret the hurt we feel, viewing rejection as an indication of our self-worth, leading us to feel even worse, says Guy Winch, a psychologist and author of Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts.
But even though it’s painful, rejection can actually benefit you. Getting rejected can build resilience and help you grow and apply the lessons you learn to future setbacks, Winch tells TIME. Of course, to reap the benefits, you have to deal with rejection in the right way.
Here’s how to deal with rejection in almost any common scenario, according to experts.
You had a career setback
When it comes to careers, the pressure to get into the best school or land the perfect job is high. Too too often, people look to external forces instead of internal ones to feel validated, says Beverly Flaxington, a life and career coach. “Many people haven’t learned healthy self-esteem,” she says.
That means that rejection when it comes to your dream opportunity can be shattering. If you have a setback, try to remember that your career path is not a straight line and not every experience is going to move you forward. “Sometimes we are meant to add to our experiences and go in another direction, sometimes we are meant to reinvent ourselves and sometimes we are meant to put something to the side and say goodbye to it forever,” Flaxington says.
If you find yourself seeking the next promotion or job title in an attempt to validate your own self-worth, consider checking in with yourself to make sure it’s your current career that’s truly fulfilling without those things. If not, it may be time to look for other opportunities, she suggests. A job you love can fulfill you in important ways by building self-esteem because you’re enjoying your meaningful work, not to measure your worth based on a job title or something that seemingly checks some box. That, along with practicing positive self-talk and self-compassion (yes, even giving yourself compliments in the mirror,) can change the perception of rejection from a “goal-ender” to a “pivot.” Chalk it up as growth and think of it as a new path that could eventually lead you to where you were meant to be. A setback doesn’t make a goal unattainable, it just might take longer to get there.
You’re going through a breakup
Whether you’re dealing with a breakup or a casual date stops responding to you, Winch says it’s easy to idealize both that person and the relationship amid feelings of rejection. We tend to only remember the good times. To make matters worse, sometimes a relationship’s ‘failure’ can make us feel inadequate and unworthy, he cautions, adding, “that’s an incorrect assumption.”
Try this. After a split, make a list of all the traits you didn’t appreciate about your partner. Reading this every day can help you become aware of the ways you weren’t compatible and pinpoint the characteristics you want in your next partner, Winch says.
In looking for other potential partners, try asking questions about the values that are truly vital to you. “It’s important to match on what matters,” says Melissa Hobley, chief marketing officer of OKCupid. This can help you form a closer connection, increasing the likelihood of a lasting partnership, she notes.
Get the latest career, relationship and wellness advice to enrich your life: sign up for TIME’s Living newsletter.
A friendship ended
Friendship breakups are oftentimes more hurtful than romantic ones. But Flaxington says to remember that while a friendship’s end can be painful, it’s also normal for friends to come and go.
Just as you would with a romantic relationship, flip the narrative, says Winch. Consider it your opportunity to ask yourself if this is the type of person you want to be friends with. He says if the answer is no, it makes the pain hurt a little less and helps you seek out friends who are much more compatible with you.
After some time has passed and if you find yourself missing that person and that friendship, Flaxington suggests reaching out to see if the person wants to get together. Timing is key here. Time can allow people to approach a friendship with a new perspective, she notes.
You may want to also consider redirecting your attention to the friendships worth keeping. Focusing on strengthening your existing friendships — and reaching out to people you haven’t been close to before — is also important for maintaining a strong social network, says Winch.
A family member cut you out
We are often taught that our family’s love is unconditional. But both Flaxington and Winch agree there are exceptions to this rule. For example, when married couples divorce, children can sometimes side with one parent and alienate another, Winch says. And when family members reject each other, it can be excruciatingly painful.
If you’re feeling rejected by a family member, turning to online forums to connect ((Winch suggests Reddit) or reaching out to friends to find support from others going through similar situations can help you see how others have effectively handled the situation.
“Our assumption is that there’s nothing we can do [about getting rejected] and we should just sweep our feelings under the carpet,” Winch says. “When you educate yourself and learn more about [the rejection], you begin to understand why you feel the way you do.”
Social media has you feeling down
Research finds social media can negatively impact our self-esteem and damage our well-being.
Sometimes we think we’re being rejected when in reality we’re not. Not collecting a lot of likes on a post, not getting followed back, or not having a mass following or seeing your friends at a party, event, or anywhere having fun without you can feel like a rejection and leave you feeling like an inadequate outsider, says Flaxington.
But there are ways to use social media in a way that makes you feel included and connected to others. Winch recommends using social media for conversations — send direct messages to friends or comment on friends’ posts instead of just scrolling through photos so you can be a part of the conversation and interact in a positive way.
Following people online and surrounding yourself with those in real life who make you feel like you belong can also help you feel secure and included and more connected. “We’re tribal; we want to feel that our tribe is with us…[and] make you think, ‘yes, these are people of my tribe,” Winch says.
Most importantly, when you find yourself feeling left out or feeling jealous over a social media post, be mindful of the way you talk to yourself. Remind yourself of all of the positive things and people in your life or what you have to be grateful for, says Flaxington.
5. Set a hard deadline for letting it go.
Posted Dec 10, 2015
Few things feel as painful as rejection. Regardless what form it takes—not being invited to a friend’s party, not being offered a position after an interview, having your actions criticized, or failure when you’re trying to sell your idea—every “no” indicates a door closed to us. Of course, the extent of the impact largely depends on the position of the individual receiving the rejection and the one doling it out, but most people struggle with finding the best way to regroup and recover.
Research tells us that not only does rejection give us a mental pause; it can also produce physical pain. Study findings published in Science magazine by researchers from Purdue University and the University of California, Los Angeles, in 2003 demonstrated that being socially shunned or turned down by others activates the same regions in our brains—the dorsal anterior cingulate and the anterior insula—that are associated with experiencing physical pain. Numerous successive studies have corroborated the similarities between rejection and physical pain. For example, a 2011 study published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Science demonstrated how pain experienced from hot coffee spilled on one’s forearm is similar to the “pain” that they would experience from seeing a photograph of a former partner after an unwanted relationship breakup.
In short, it hurts.
Pain is not the only negative consequence of rejection; it can also lead us to feel more insecure in ourselves, our decisions, and our choices. Security is one of the most basic human needs, and when it is not fulfilled or is jeopardized by rejection, we start to doubt ourselves. Other aspects of rejection can include flagging concentration; increased levels of stress, irritability and aggression; inability to sleep and control one’s emotions; and gradual withdrawal from society, among others.
Not everyone copes with rejection in the same way: Studies show that people with a higher sense of self-worth, as well as individuals with more social power, handle rejection better than those with lower self-esteem and less social influence. There are salespeople who actually love cold-calling and think that every “no” just leads them closer to the next “yes.”
People who highly value a sense of individuality also experience rejection less painfully than those whose need for being a part of the group is much stronger.
Similarly, self-confident people are able to use rejection to improve themselves, get more creative, and validate their beliefs.
Rejection is going to happen. It’s a fact of life that not all relationships and situations will work out well. With distance, we can often see that a rejection was a good thing for us but at the time, it doesn’t feel good. Developing more effective responses to rejection is an important life skill. If you find yourself unable to deal with rejection, you may need to work on building your self-confidence and your self-esteem and strengthening your social ties before addressing the anxiety, anger, and other issues that arise from being rejected.
- Self-confidence is key.
Of course you know that self-confidence is important, but knowing it’s important and having it are two different things. Many people have grown up in environments where they were told they were worthless or useless. These messages often carry over into adulthood and other relationships. If your self-confidence is flagging, start small to build it back. Make a list every day with at least two or three things you have done well, contributions you have made, or positive things you have done. Write these down and review them before you go to bed each night and again when you get up the next morning. Fill your nighttime and early morning brain with something positive about yourself.
Change to positive self-talk.
Rejection will enhance whatever negative things you say to yourself, so practice different self-talk. Notice what you say to yourself; thoughts like “It’s all my fault” or “What is wrong with me?” are not useful and only bring you down. Rejection happens to everyone; even the most successful and confident people don’t always get what they want, but most of those people acknowledge the rejection as outside of them and don’t start telling themselves how terrible they really are. Notice what you say to yourself and choose to build yourself up, not tear yourself down.
Remember, this too shall pass.
Remind yourself of this whenever you feel down. No, you are not worthless and you are not a failure: This is a point in time. Don’t let one disappointing experience diminish the worth of everything else that you have achieved. Give yourself credit for your skills and accomplishments, and remind yourself of all those experiences when you made good progress, solved a problem or helped someone. No one is defined by one experience.
Practice reframing.
Take a deep breath, step back from the situation, and just breathe for a few minutes. Many times a situation seems worse because you react and then “frame it” as a negative about you. Instead, physically step back and begin deep breathing. Choose to reframe it. Instead of thinking, “No one will ever love me, I’m unlovable,” you could reframe by thinking, “Relationships are hard for everyone; I’m no different. This was hard for me but I can learn something from it. Let me focus on what I can learn.”
Let it go.
How to Deal with Rejection at Work
Most of us have already experienced rejection at work. That’s a normal part of life, as we all know. This can also be due to various reasons such as lack of self-confidence and little knowledge of the tasks. No matter what causes the rejection, all can agree that it is painful and can affect work performance, when not given proper attention. However, such rejections can also be considered as an opportunity to learn anew.
Common Rejections at Work
Rejections can come from big or small situations. It can happen unexpectedly and may also occur outside work-related events. The following are some of the typical rejections experienced at work:
#1 Not being able to receive a job promotion
#2 Failure to obtain the expected salary
#3 Disapproved proposal for next promotions
#4 Criticized for errors in a marketing strategy
#5 Failure to receive credit for a project’s success, and was given to someone else
#6 A crucial presentation has been cancelled
#7 Not being chosen to work on an important assignment
#8 Being turned down by your superiors
#9 A big sale’s loss due to high competition
#10 Skills and competencies are not being recognized and given proper attention
Practical Tips to Deal With Rejection at Work
It is proper to believe that rejections can be a normal part of our lives. They can affect the way we face life’s different situations. This also leads to unhappy feelings and discomfort in the workplace. Listed and discussed below are some tips on how to effectively deal with rejection and become more motivated with your job.
#1 Try to let go of the negative feelings due to rejection. After being rejected, you can either feel depressed or become more motivated. It can also lead to blaming yourself because of failure to succeed with what is being expected. If such an attitude continues, then the might as well more rejections will follow. Experts advised that people who experience rejections must learn how to recognize the feelings of frustrations and sadness. Try to let go of this feeling, because that’s the first step that is needed to be done. When you let go of those feelings, you will feel better and become more determined again.
#2 Learn to manage your emotions. Feeling bad because of rejection is normal. But this shouldn’t be kept for a long time. This type of feeling, as well as other kinds of emotions, must be appropriately managed. Be open-minded when receiving feedback from your colleagues and superiors. Do not join a conversation if you are angry. Avoid making important decisions if you’re distracted or confused. Too often, emotional outburst causes more issues in the workplace. That’s why emotions mustn’t manipulate you.
#3 Strive to minimize rejections in the future. After experiencing rejections, it’s essential to maintain a positive attitude. Learn from the previous rejections and get lessons from them. Strive to improve yourself as a professional and competent worker. When you’re given another chance, make the most of it. Use it to make a significant turning point. Listen to suggestions from your colleagues and implement them to be able to lessen future rejections.
#4 Acquire lessons from rejections. Rejections can be an essential part of your professional learning. Open your mind to find the things and applications that you can learn from them. Rejections often come with some feedback. They can be harmful or motivating. They remind you about your shortcomings, but at the same time, they can also show your potentials as an employee.
#5 Use a positive approach to get information about your rejection. It’s vital not to just feel down after rejections. What’s more important is how you find the reasons why you have been rejected. Assess your performance and evaluate the things that you have done. Be it a lack of support from your colleagues or missing effort from your side; you need to find the factors that have contributed to the rejection. At the end of the day, you will become more open in providing solutions instead of blaming yourself. Avoid denying, arguing, and blaming other people.
#6 Aim to develop and change for the better. There’s no need to cry over spilled milk, as the famous saying goes. Why stay stagnant because you’re being rejected if there’s a way to improve and become better? Develop quality relationships with the people in the workplace. Start making the required changes, so you will not be rejected in the future. Utilize the pieces of advice you receive and use them for your next opportunities.
#7 Have the right people monitor your progress. The opinions from other individuals may create a significant impact on you. Although it is crucial to have them, you should also be cautious about which ones will be followed. Not everyone in the workplace can take close monitoring of the steps you take for improvement. They are maybe also busy with their particular jobs. That’s the excellent thing why having supervisors, team leaders, and other superiors can track your progress. They can give feedback, and at the same time will motivate you to deal with rejections the right way.
#8 Leverage your passion and courage. You probably feel that you’re at your lowest after a painful rejection. This is the moment you will need to give yourself more proper attention. Avoid the negativity; instead, tell yourself that it’s the time that you need to be more positive. Think of why you have even started, and why you are striving for a successful career. Reinvent your passion. Remind yourself of how passionate you are to reach the peak of your triumph. There’s always a reason why you should not let a rejection defines your whole dream.
Be more courageous to overcome various circumstances due to rejection. Yes, being rejected can make you think that life is fair and impartial. You may lower your self-esteem because you believe that there’s always someone far better than you. Such thinking should be replaced by something more positive. Develop your professional courage and always look for better ways on how to promote efficiency at work.
Keep in mind that rejections can happen at work and even in your personal life. They can affect you negatively or positively. These rejections can even impact your personal development and even your work performance. Besides, such can also lower your self-esteem and confidence. What matters is that you learn from rejections and use them those lessons in the future.
In This Article
‘No’. ‘I don’t love you’. ‘I’ve never loved you.’
These are a few painful words that are difficult to hear when someone you have deeply loved is saying them. Dealing with romantic rejection can be equally painful as going through some physical pain.
In some cases, when people aren’t successful in dealing with rejection, go to depression or even get suicidal.
Rejections are never the end to your life.
One must consider this just the end of a chapter in their life and should start focusing on the next chapter. Listed below are some of the quick and effective tips in dealing with rejection from a girl and how to rise up, tall and strong.
1. Nothing is personal
When it comes to dealing with rejection from anyone, one thing that everyone, irrespective of gender, should understand that rejections are never to be taken personal.
They have no personal hidden agenda against you and has not rejected you under some conspiracy.
Acceptance or rejection is a choice that an individual makes.
So, never ever take anything personal and don’t venture out to take revenge just because you’ve been rejected.
2. Be a gentleman and accept it
There are times when men take rejections to their ego and decide to damage the reputation of the girl. It’s never the right attitude. The girl has rejected you because she doesn’t feel for you the same way you do for her. If you’re truly in love with her, then you should respect her decision, accept it with a strong heart and move out of the situation. Being revengeful is never the right option.
3. You can’t make someone like you
You surely don’t have a love potion that can be used to make someone fall in love with you. Everyone has a free will to accept or reject anyone or anything.
So, if the girl has rejected you, accept it gracefully.
Dealing with rejection won’t be an easy journey, but you’re not to lose hope and get depressed. Don’t start believing that something is wrong with you. Just accept the reality that you can’t make someone fall in love with you.
4. Don’t be a stalker
Dealing with rejection in love is indeed difficult. Since you were involved with her and have spent some great time with her, it would surely be difficult for you to bury the past and act normal.
However, don’t let this turn you into a stalker. She has a life and let her live her life. Running behind her, following her every move and being obsessed with her will only put you in her bad books. Accept, and move on.
5. Don’t make her hate other men
When a girl rejects you, she is expecting you to strongly handle the rejection.
By reciprocating the rejection with anger you’re showing your weakness. While dealing with rejection, you have to make her feel secure and should show utmost respect to her decision. With your anger and rage you would scare her and she might not feel strong and confident with other men in the future, just so she will fear that they might not handle rejection well.
So, instead of scaring her for the rest of her life, make her feel good and confident about the decision.
6. Scrutinize the entire situation
When it comes to dealing with rejection in dating, you’ve got to scrutinize the entire situation just so you get to know where you’ve picked up the wrong signal.
In most cases, men tend to misinterpret the signs and signals and start believing that the girl likes them. This, eventually, leads to a bigger confusion hence the rejection. So, sit and analyze the situation just so you don’t make the same mistake again.
7. You’re not the only one
Rejections are a part of life and everyone goes through this at least once. It would be stupid to sit and crib about the rejection and take it personally.
Often, some isolate themselves and hold on to the rejection to an extent that they go into depression. This isn’t the right thing to do. So, pull yourself together and start afresh. Learn from the past experience and move ahead.
8. Spend some time grieving, but not too much
Grieving is another way of dealing with rejection. Sit aside, analyze, cry, put that thoughts and emotions out of your mind, but don’t hold on to it for long. Grieving helps you overcome a situation easily and quickly. Speak to a friend if you’re feeling too low. Perhaps, speaking would help you overcome the rejection.
9. Engage yourself in something productive
While you were busy behind something believing it’s yours, you may have missed out on a lot of things. So, instead of getting sulked into the rejection thoughts, start focusing on something productive.
Meet friends, get involved in some hobby, learn something new or even spend some time with yourself. These activities will be fruitful when it comes to dealing with rejection.
